ladee da

Making my way back from this place. It seems like so long ago that I lived here. I cannot imagine what life could have been had I stayed in this god forsaken town. It is almost as if I would have been swallowed whole by the earth and never seen again. No one would know me. My name would not be heard outside the city walls. Had that happened where would I be. Where would my husband and children be. These questions haunt me day in and day out. Every time I return to this place these questions swirl around in my head. The doubts never leave me alone. Seeing what this place has done to so many people I have known is a frightening thought. Just take one look at my own parents and you see how hard life here can be. How weathered and worn you become. But you also notice how they do not know any other way. There is not a life they would rather live, for unlike myself, they have never moved away from this small little space in the world. They have never explored beyond the walls. Their world exists only here and anything from the outside does not penetrate this world.

ambien dreams

waking life
drifting death
always wanting
what is best
never knowing
who is right
always wrong
every night
waking up
fighting it
shifting back
falling down
getting up
just to break down
never knowing
what will be
always saving
the best
or worst for me
float it up
hit it back
let it fall
upon its back
kick back up
and slip back down
let it make
so much sound
then it ends
and all is quiet
serene and peaceful
ocean calm
and tranquil night
let me sleep
and i'll be alright

drifting fate

walking blinding
on the sand
sitting lonely on the side
tripping lovely
while i glide
over hills
and out to sea
here i go
and there i see
let me float
out in the waves
let me fall
and maybe save
see how far
i can slip
see how long
and where it ends
swimming slowly
wasting time
running quickly
wishing while
slinking through
the wet wet grass
never knowing
what shall pass
letting things
fall into place
stressing out
and letting fate
take its toll
and what shall be
dreams may pass
and so shall she
drifting, leaving
always slow
let it be
and you may know
what life is
and how to be
let it take you
let it lead
float along
drift on by
slip into
the long goodbye

traverse

peacefully breathing
taking it in
letting it out as i begin
drawing on air
and carbon monoxide
never stopping
constantly growing
bringing it in
and letting it out
growing tall and rain may spout
flowing through grass
on meadows and plains
rolling through sands
on the dust of pompeii
wandering through the ashes of rome
staggering about the champs d'lyssey
never knowing which way
jumping hot lava rocks in hawaii
picking one up and tossing it lightly
jumping between the molten and rock
swimming beneath and floating on top
crossing back over to the subways of rome
or perhaps grab the metro if paris is your home
the tube has called once or twice
but london is just not my type
antartica seems like it needs some friends
its cold down there
and the glaciers never end
breathing in and breathing out
hoping to know what this life is about
never knowing where one may go
never knowing what one may know
travel far and travel near
grab a taxi here or there
meet new friends and try new drinks
eat the food and enjoy the scene
just dont stay for far too long
either annoying or moving forever and on
come home one day is my advice
unless home just isnt as nice

cryptic fright

get ready for what's to come
for all that has already been
be prepared for the slow sounding wind
stand tall and wait for what it is
never knowing always waiting
wondering why and never happy
beginning to think that this thing may not be
but lingering in your head to stay ready
why is it that it keeps you there
planted in your seat
head forward stare
don't turn around
don't make a peep
this "thing" may come back
and eat at me
a child, a man, a beast, who knows
could be the wind
that's how it blows
could be the rain
touched you wrong
could be the sun
a little too strong
why is it that you wait and wait
for something unknown to violate

get me out

let me out
from in my head
let me roam
free from dread
let me go
until the end
let me be
or i will scream
let me float
and get out of here
let me high
and i will know
let me write
or make me sing
do not trample
upon this thing
bringing up
and passing down
coming right
then making no sound
why is it
hey don't ask me
i aint here
as far as i can see
why is that
how'd it be
that first i want out
and now you cant see me
do i exist in this here place
with clouds and dreams
and other things
they chase me down
make me tired
i ask for something
they clearly not retiring
bring it back
draw it in
let it out
and begin again

sea salt

lifting up
dragging down
floating by
surely to drown
crashing above
and moving below
thrashing around
to try and stay up
never able to make it stop
breaking you
and slowly you see
that letting yourself drift
just might be
the best way to go
out into the sea
breathing in the salt slowly
drifting down
sinking deeply

blow on by

when to move?
what to do?
where to go?
it's what they know.
why that is?
is not so clear.
no one knows.
no one cares.
why is that?
you might ask.
answers short.
never clear.
always moving.
never there.
when you come.
no one knows.
when you leave.
nothing shows.
floating in.
on a cloud.
drifting out.
never loud.
why is that?
some might ask.
how to know?
'tis not clear.
to many eyes.
children perhaps.
if they don't cry.
listen close.
and you may hear.
a rustled leaf.
here or there.
but then again.
who could tell?
not so many.
lift you up.
bring me down.
blow my hair.
and let me drown.
it's the way.
i wish to go.
but how to know?
and where to flow?
why is it?
that when you came?
i was not there.
i was not clean.
next time i will.
prepare myself.
let it be.
and i will know.
i can see.
beyond this show.

skwater gueche

Let me begin.
And let me end.
Do not say.
What can't be done.
Tell me when.
And I say now.
You said then.
And I said how.
Why is it?
That no one knows.
Which way is up.
Or where to go.
There they are.
Lined one by one.
Waiting for a sign.
Signs don't come.
That's what is said.
Then why wait?
Or why dread?
Because one can.
Or just to do.
It isn't right.
Not to do.
Come away.
From the edge.
Come up here.
Where we fled.
Slide down slow.
And move up fast.
Swim the depths.
Like its the last.
Dive above.
Jump right in.
Move aside.
And let it in.
Beg it to.
Leave it alone.
Bring it back.
And handle its own.
Let it be.
Or let it fly.
Stifle what must.
But please don't cry.
Laugh out loud.
And sing so high.
It's all the same.
To you and I.

The life, the life, the life

not sure what this writing session will entail, something not too terribly long and boring i hope....but this time, as usual, i have come to the conclusion that in need to write, but i only am able to be creative late at night, when i have usual ingested some sort of sleeping aid to help me, well sleep, and instead it helps me on my creative journey of writing. Who knows if this journey will be leading anywhere, anytime soon for that matter, all i hope for it is to help me find a way to get my thoughts in order. or to put something out there that might actually be worth reading. no one truly knows what someone wants to read until that reading material has been placed out there for public consumption. it is then that people declare someone a genius or other writers hacks, depending on what it is that they read and how they interpret this. a New York Times Best Seller, or an International Bestseller always helps....though it is sometimes those unknown, underground authors that really get to you. you never know when an author or a book will take off and if it will. it could get a cult following, 50 years after the book was written. some writing lasts the test of time, which is crucial if you want your works to always be remembered, we remember Shakespeare, we remember Steinbeck, but there are countless others that we do not remember, for their writings were either not worthy to be remembered or did not have enough of a following to bring them through the decades and centuries for that matter. The philosophers have a writing all there own, which is insane, and though some are pure geniuses it takes one to understand one. Nietzsche for that matter is so difficult to read that i am unable to take from it what is meant to be understood. Marx on the other hand spells out his political ambitions and what is to be done with society to bring about change in a very straightforward manner. Through Marx i believe in communism or as purists like to say Marxism (though my knowledge is limited and Utopian).

Things just are not always how they seem. To look at my life as it is now, with no knowledge of my past, you would think i had done nothing in my life. i am a "loser" living at home doing a whole lotta nothing....if you knew more about me you would realize that i have done things in my past to be proud of and that there are aspirations of mine that i hope to bring to fruition, when is the most tasking question. when will all this come of age and when will i finally bring about what my life is meant to be, or what exactly it will turn out to be for that matter. hopefully this will all come to me soon, perhaps in a dream....i always wished my life would come to me in a dream, that way 15 years down the road when explaining why i was doing something i can simply state that "I saw it all in a dream once" AMAZING!!!

mind matter....let it go

so i feel the urge to continue to write right now, not sure why, not sure how, but it is there.....so i may as well just keep on rambling on, like i always tend to do, speaking to no one in particular, no one else really reads this thing but me, myself and i....so it may get a little weird in here....as they say whey the going get weird the weird turn pro....anyways this is just a jumping ground for my grander writing dreams, dreams that i barely have even found to exist, and yet they do, so here we are practicing what seems to be a dying art form, and my form seems to be dying all on its own, without any help from the public. i know not what i do, but i do know what i like, and writing seems to be one of those things that helps me clear my head, that and music......blah blah blah blah blah....distracted by music....sorry to not focus.....can't find it.....what is that.....bring me back......oh just let me gooooooooo!

to write, as it is meant to be

when things go bad, and even when things go good, it does not seem as if things are really going anywhere. this stagnant space that we are all living in seems to just be withering. it is like we live in a bubble that is holding us in, not allowing us to move either forward or backwards not even up or down. how can this be that we have become so stagnant in one place, so comfortable to be living our lives as we are. no chance of anything better to come, but no chance of anything worse. it is a welcome relief sometimes when disaster does occur, if only to remind us that we are not living in such a stagnant environment that we thought ourselves to be in. how can one know when it is necessary to throw a wrench in....to shake up what has not been shaken in a long time. life can go on and on, in a constant circle, a routine that never breaks, though if it does break than it is chaos, for none of us are used to our routines being broken. no longer do we live in a chaos on a daily basis, though it does surround us at all times, it blends in with our daily routines, as to become one with them, and therefore no longer lends itself to being chaotic. how is it that a traffic accident can become so mundane as to become part of ones daily drive to work. this is how our society works now. there is a need to jumble things....although economically it seems we have been thrown for a tail spin, perhaps now we will exit this torpor that has been holding us all back for so long and realize that we must make some serious changes in our lives....change that involves both working hard but also mixing fun in their as well. goodbye to the days when the routine ran everyone's lives.....bring me organized chaos and i will show you people who are happy to be living.

StrEaM oF ConsCiousNess

what it is to write? to me i have yet to discover if i even have the will to do this or the capability. am i talented? do i know what it is that i am doing? for everyone at some point in their life comes to these questions, and many times they do not receive the answer they wish. we are all told from a very young age that we are capable of doing whatever it is that we please. but that is a bunch of bullshit....not everyone has the ability to do whatever it is that they set out to do. i for one could not run across the mojave desert, perhaps if i trained for years i could, but at this point in my life and with the actual desire i have to not run across the mojave (or any desert) for that matter, it seems unlikely. children are lead to believe that everyone of us could become president one day (but no one tells them that half the time it is the most incompetent of them that will reach this goal)...or the prejudices that are against all of us that can lead one way or another.

writing is one thing that anyone in their right mind should be able to do....do well on the other hand is a whole 'nother story. this is not just your everyday blah blah blah happy writing. this is just putting what is coming into your head at lightning speed down on a piece of paper (or as many these days like to call it, a computer screen)....it is something that yes we all can do....but how we do it, when we do it, why we do it and if we really can do it comes into question? the ability to actually read and spell is a big factor in this whole writing thing. the ability to communicate to someone else what it is that is going on within your head....that also comes into play.....and for those that write just for themselves, well that is an art all unto its own.....half the time that is the most creative writing out there, but it can also be the most bizarre and hardest to understand. the writing that is being pulled from deep inside....not just the superfluous crap that skims the top of the brain and just shoots out like its nothing....

to truly know what it is that you are doing, you have to have no idea what it is you are doing.....go forward, moving back, these are all a mystery to you on this journey....no way that you can know your destination before it has even been reached.

tWaS the DaY and that Is All It WoUld RepReseNt thIs TimE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPS3TyEzyCw

summer has arrived, perhaps at the wrong time

LOST...

So the only word worth describing the point i am at in my life is lost.....i am gradually coming to the realization, that walking around aimlessly, thinking that at some point your purpose will arise, is not how life is to be lived. Then again, who am i to judge those lost people whose entire lives revolve around the art of wandering. I guess in that case then they do have an aim, the aim or goal to be aimless. Finding which way to go, where to turn, which turn will lead you down the right path is what seems to be the most difficult part of this here dilemma that i have found myself smack dab in the middle of. what to do, who to turn to, and what if it all works out wrong and the road i do take is not the road i was meant to travel, and then unhappiness consumes my life and i get depressed and so on and so forth.....or if i do choose the correct path and happiness and the life that i had always hoped to find comes true (at least in parts) i do not expect my life to be all shiny and sparkly for me to find, rather just a sense of accomplishment and happiness with whatever it is i choose to do. anyone with any input feel free, though i am pretty sure i am the only crazy reading this......

just a quick hello

i just stopped by to say hello, a quick hello at that, a quick hello then a quick goodbye and that is all we've got....not time to waste, the clocks a running, we musnt be here long....a quick hello a quick goodbye and then farewell we're gone. No need to waste just chatting here, there's nothing to get done, so why is that that we are still here...a quick hello a quick goodbye would have sufficed had none. Why then is it that we stand around pondering what it is, when time is quick and we have no time to even begin to think. There is no time for anything at this point in the game. so keep on keeping on and continue to follow the rabbit you saw when you came in.

an ambien journey

So this blog may take a turn for the worse, as i plan to use it as a practice board for my writing skills....we will see how far this journey takes us, far enough i hope to find out what i will soon be doing for the rest of my life....but for now we can just sit back, relax and enjoy the ambienfilled writing that is mine.
Firstly, I am in quiet a bind, I am not sure whether law school is the thing for me. Since I was a kid i had always dreamt of being a lawyer, but lately, it seems i would like to do something with a little more freedom, a little more room to breath.....hopefully venting and getting all this out there will help further the process this journey that i am taking, the journey i reluctantly am calling "my Life", for lack of a better term. Soon enough they say my life will have a purpose, i will be going places, but those places and these things i was meant to do keep falling to the wayside, whilst i get older every year and have yet to leave the nest. Not saying what i have been doing my whole life is a waste of time, it just could be put to better use. hopefully, soon, i can find some kinda mental clarity that will help me realize what it is i truly desire to do. Photography and writing seem to be the 2 things i do, not well persay, but i do them and i enjoy doing them....perhaps i can find a way to fit that all. and also to remember to focus on what is going on around me and not fall of the wagon of finding my way in life. This supposed journey that i am taking is a big one, on that i must learn to do alone, with little outside support.